So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!
What?
I have a yeast infection.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Randomize
