I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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