I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
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