Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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