i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Randomize
