remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
