I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
.......do you have the salami in bed? I'm trying to make a sandwich.
Randomize
