ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
We were fucking at break-dick speeds.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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