census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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