Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
