Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
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