I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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