Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Randomize
