Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
I managed to break 3 nails and loose my stockings, but I made 87 dollars at the strip club. I asked where I could find an application on the way out.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
