I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
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