I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
