What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
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