it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
