i just pooped in tubberware. not a proud day
i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
This baby is an asshole
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
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