alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
the last thing i remember was the norwegian kid tacking a bag of wine to the ceiling, then boom! shower drain.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
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