He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
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