Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
Randomize
