Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
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