Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Zach says you can't see his penis until after we're married...not sure why?! Bt then he said he thinks maybe you already have on the wild animal night!
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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