Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Randomize
