it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
