Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
