Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
