you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Randomize
