I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Let's paint friendship bongs
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
We need to be on the same page regarding the 3some this time. No more "one of us should probably leave" moments.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
I’m not saying you’re wrong, I’m just saying he’s denying what you’re saying.
Randomize
