Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
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