New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
Randomize
