i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
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