the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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