i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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