you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
