Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I knew full well that at some point during the night my penis would be out with this costume choice
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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