I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Btw I puked in your glovebox
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