It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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