I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
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