Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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