First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
