Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
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