Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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