He has 250 profile pictures. Of course he was a douchebag
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
