if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Randomize
