Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
You don't make any sense
TEQUILA
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
Randomize
