Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
Randomize
