Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Randomize
