I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I've started brushing my teeth at 6pm, because honestly alcohol is the only thing I consume after that
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
Just get over here and light metaphorical fireworks in my literal vagina
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
