Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
