the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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