im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Gay?
German.
Pity.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
