i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
