4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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